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Learn to Love it
Oct. 1st, 2008
11:07 pm - it poured today
I was walking home from class today, in the pouring rain. i didnt have an umbrella or pants on for that matter. haha. and as im walking some girl came up behind me with an umbrella and put it over my head. she walked me to my next class! what a delight. that was the nicest thing ive witnessed in so long. i wouldnt even do that i dont think. well all in all, wow. god bless that girl.
Sep. 20th, 2008
07:38 pm - nice.
I have been alone most of the weekend so far. Tara and Allie went home for the weekend so ive been fish-sitting, and watching the OC on DVD, doing laundry, doing some school work, and this morning i volunteered at a soup kitchen. it was really nice. i wanted to go out tonight but theres really nothing going on. oh wait, thats right my really good friend johnny is having a birthday party, but im not allowed to go cuz his friend likes me and im a "buzz kill". some friend huh? oh well i have plenty to do in the room. im pretty tired anyways. ha this is so sad, i dont really have anything else to even say. maybe ill write more later when im sitting in this room alone staring at a wall. ha that was so emo. ok bye
Sep. 16th, 2008
Sep. 14th, 2008
09:47 pm - wow
you never cease to amaze me. just when i think we are back on track, i find out that you let out my secret. of course you dont remember blabbing it around cuz u were trashed, but its safe to say you made me look like an asshole. you are the worst friend ive ever had. this is going to sound aweful, but i really dont think you deserve to be my friend. i keep giving you chances to make things ok and u keep hurting my feelings. im doneeee, and thats so sad
on a happier note, i got a new laptop yesterdayyy!!! its wonderful. its not a mac, but it WORKS and its so fast. mmm yummmmy. i also stayed in last night and watched pride and prejudice. i also made two scarves yesterday. wow, i need a life. oh well, it was a fabulous time :)
Sep. 9th, 2008
10:31 am - i am a disease
i get that. but i am reading this book for women studies and it is teaching me how to deal with shame and guilt, so there is hope yet!
i have so much work to do today that i dont even know where to begin. but my computer is so retarded that i have to walk to the library and use one of those computers. lordy.
i dont understand where the anger stems from, i admitted it was all my fault. done and done. i blow, not lets move on. lol.
i wish i could confess everything in my heart right now, explain why this summer changed who i am, and everything that i stand for. the secrets that i have are burning below the surface. ughh if only someone knew the truth...why i am no longer the person that i was. i have my first poem due tomorrow for creative writing class. maybe ill write about it in order to get it off my chest.
i am who i say i am.
youre still beautiful
Sep. 7th, 2008
10:42 pm - oh, you.
a friend would never want to make me someone that im not. i dont care anymore either. glad we're on the same page. you have enough friends, you dont need me anyway. i have apologised so many times to you, but i really dont think its worth it anymore. you have this mindset that it was such a horrible thing and never a friendship, so screw you. thats not nice at all. eh im done. the end.
Sep. 6th, 2008
03:34 pm - feelin' cozy!
its raining and i loveee it! tara, allie, and i are sitting on my futon making bracelets. haha we're 5! whatever its beautiful. we are going out to dinner soon for allie's birthday and im pumped. mmmm.
glad i know who my friends are :)
its kinda sad because even through all the shit we've been through, i thought we were friends. whoops.
Sep. 5th, 2008
Jul. 9th, 2008
01:22 am - Where your necklaces close
I have not written in awhileeee. wow. so basically ive been up to the same crap. ive been working alot and going to wolfe park with cara and the kids she nannies for. This summer has just been so good, I dont feel like i ever waste a day; i make the most out of what ive got.
Today I saw Ian Tait and Tyler Smith becaz they came into Bill's. I chatted with Ian while he was at the ATM about things that have been bothering me, and it was really nice that him and i were finally on the same page. And i havent seen ty in ....like a year or more. so it was incredible to see him again. It brought back so many memories of when him and I went out soo long ago. haha we were so little and thought we knew what it meant to be in love. All I know is that Tyler taught me so much about life and creativity and I love him for it. What a gem.
I'm spending the whole weekend up at Uconn this coming weekend and im so excited. I just cant wait to be up there with my friends again and catch up. I miss those yuppies.
I dont remember if i wrote this down so just in case: Jessica and Vinny bought a condo together. She's moving out in a couple weeks. Even though she is a royal pain in my ass, im going to miss her alot. Another end to a chapter.
Jun. 22nd, 2008
Jun. 19th, 2008
04:41 pm - i'll walk on the ocean
I am invincible today. I feel so incredible. i have been going to therapy at the request of my mother, and i think im good now. i feel so comortable in my skin and for once ..ONCEEEEE i know what i want, and im gonna get it and hang onto it. i have been working so hard lately i think im gonna treat myself to sushi. :)
Jun. 1st, 2008
10:18 am - A story of a girl
There are so many things that i could say to you, but what could possibly make this all better for you? What can I do to take away the pain that you're feeling. nothing, there is nothing i can do to help. but i am here and that has to count for something.
It is odd because at one end of the spectrum i am so happy for you because your mother has finally come to her senses and contacted you, which she should have done years ago. I mean if I had such an amazing daughter I could never have stayed away so long. On the other end of the spectrum however, I am so angry at this woman for completely tearing you apart. You are feeling such pains that I have never endured and it kills me to know that she is doing this to you. It does really suck that she has all these problems, but there is an up side to it all. You, my friend, are not your mother, and you never will be. She may be sick, she may have a past full of regrets and misconduct, but YOU are not your mother. I still stand by what i once told you when i said i was so glad you turned out so good. youre an amazing, beautiful person, inside and out, and i want you to never forget how truly priceless you are. NO matter what other kind of bad news she throws your way, remember that she is your mother, and she is the lucky one that you are even speaking to her. You dont have to be strong anymore, you can cry those beautiful eyes out, but just know no one should have to go through what you are feeling and i think youre absolutely amazing for it.
I am always here is you EVER need someone to talk to, or someone to get you out of the house.
Count your blessings, Lauren. I am sure you'll find out that they outweigh the bad :) keep smiling love
May. 24th, 2008
08:17 pm - hidden potential
I wrote a song. It is done. We had rehearsal today and steve had to leave early so me and kyle finished it up.
im just so excited that we have a finished product and im proud of it! Its so nice to be a part of something and to feel needed. They look to me to write all of the lyrics, which is stessful, but really really fun!! so yeah i dont wanna rant but im sooo happpppy right now :)
so tomorrow is the day, my hair is going to be barbie pink. yayayayyyy. i mean it already IS pink but i want it pinker and professionally done so i dont look sloppy lol.
so whats in store for tonight??? not sure yet, but nothing can break me right now... nothing. :)
i refuse to be pulled in
May. 21st, 2008
02:45 pm - endless possibilities
I am starting this project today with kyle allen and his band. they need a girl to do vocals on their new CD and they asked me which is pretty cool. I am really excited but nervous too.
whatever it was...it isnt anymore.
May. 18th, 2008
08:50 pm - Questionably Gay Prom!!!
Being at gay prom....I have never felt more straight in my entire life. It was really really so much fun. Lauren looked lovely, of course!, and i looked one step away from a suicidal emo kid. ballllin!! I had my first dance with a real lesbian that wasnt lauren and it was awkward as hell but so much fun anyways. I just felt so free and like nobody was judging me, wow, what an experience.
I went to the mall today and got the cooolest tshirts in the world from hottopic. one is a paramore band T, one says Edward Scissorhands, and one is Harry Potter, and i love them all with an undying passion. I also got the office on DVD.
oh and a little side note, my hair is pink now.
kiss me again, your touch is so soft, like when your fingers graze piano keys
May. 13th, 2008
07:25 pm - a whirlwind of emotions
ups, downs, ive been crying, laughing, and celebrating life as well as death. what a week. but finally its over. grandpa and uncle joe have been put to rest and it is time to get backn to normal and realize that its summer. tomorrow i am meeting tara, johnny, and john at the danbury mall and john is bringing his lil chinese sister angie!!! shes like 3 and ive been wanting to meet her for so long. yay!
i feel like i have SOOOOOOO much to say to you...but im not gonnnnaaaaa. but i shouldddddd. guhh. idk
i wanna go to dairy queen and get a cherry dipped cone...mmmmm. i reallllly have nothing more to say, im tired
Apr. 26th, 2008
11:33 am - everything happens for a reason
MONROE!!! im sitting in my living room right now, SO happy to be home. spring weekend definitely is not for me. I went out on thursday but didnt drink and really..a huge mass of drunk people..not really for me. so i decided to come home last night to see my parents who just got back from italy and see my grandpa in the hospital and i went out to the diner with kenny to talk about some things. basically i am just so glad to be home. in a little bit im gonna go to the mall with my parents...which hasnt happened since like 1992 and perhaps get my dads ear pierced. haha this is gonna be an adventureeee.
so i am not going to go into details because i shouldnt BUT john stofka is dead to me. i dont like him anymore because he is not who i thought he was. end of story. he blew it.
hmm what else. idk im in monroe and its beautiful. cara is SO mad at me for coming home. i told her that i dont think spring weekend is for me and i miss home and she said "youre so fucking stupid becky" so whatever...she can be a real brat sometimes. shes been hurting my feelings alot lately and she really could care less. she kills me sometimes. OOOOHH my sister jess just pulled into the driveway! i havent seen her in so long! til later then xoxoxox
Apr. 23rd, 2008
10:26 am - We'll Sing Outloud For Hours
Wednesday. Only Wednesday. Ok LJ let me get you up to speed.
Rob and John got back from Orlando and theyre tan and lovely as ever. They got us presents but they got taken away by airline security, how shitty is that? oh well, im just glad theyre home safe.
so monday afternoon i got a phonecall saying i needed to come home to say goodbye to my grandpa becaz he was in ICU and prolly wouldnt be with us for much longer. so i went home and he looked aweful. It brought back haunting memories of when i lived in the hospital for 2 weeks while my grandma died a couple of summers ago. I wanted to stay with him so badly but cara had student teaching and i had to go to class, so we hung around for 5 hours or so, caught up with the family and said our goodbyes. it was aweful. but i guess he has been doing alright, he opened his eyes yesterday which is huge. the only response i got from him while i was there was a weak hand squeeze, but i know what he was trying to tell me. The bigger issue is that m y parents are in Europe til tomorrow night and they have no idea this is going on becaz we couldnt get a hold of them. I really hope my grandpa holds on so at least my dad can say goodbye to his dad. sooo depressing. its so much worst being up at school and not knowing his status or whats going on and not being able to help. its torture.
It is so sunny out today! I think im going to lay out in the sun and read a book. that sounds glorrrrious. ok ill write more later.
just keep breathingg...
Apr. 20th, 2008
11:12 pm - that didnt take long
i just went on facebook and kenny facebook messaged me the buckcherry music video Sorry. and he wrote, im so sorry for everything i said. if i could take it back i would. haha what an idiot. lorddd. bahhh.
so our boys come home tomorrow! im so excited to see john, i miss him. wow thats really weird. oh well, he's a really nice kid.
what else?? hmm idk, i cant wait for spring weekend cuz coop and mike ulreich might come up and stay with me. i need SOMEONE to freaking stay with me cuz tara is going home and ill be all alone :( im still working on it tho cuz mikes mom is kinda weirded out about it. hmm why else am i excited? oh yeah, PROM WITH LAUREN ! i cant wait to buy a dress. hollar. i wannna look pretty for u!..we'll see how that pans out haha
11:56 am - A bad ending to something that was already shitty.
I never want to speak to kenneth dancho again. we have been broken up for like...2 months. he called me last night all upset and wanted to know if im out for good, if i had any intentions of getting back together with him. so i was honest, because you gotta be, and i said no, im out of this for good, im sorry. and he got really upset and told me he cant be my friend cuz it hurts too much. so i told him if he wants me to leave him alone, i will becaz i dont want to make it harder for him. and he said yes i need u to leave me alone. and very calmly i said ok. then when we hung up he texts me saying "nice head games you bitch." kenny has NEVER called me names before. but i didnt wanna get in a fight cuz i just know he's upset and hurting. so i wrote back and said "really mature kenny, thanks." and then he called me a whore and all this other stuff, so i called him and basically said i know you dont mean any of this and youre just hurting. i said i know that you love me and youre mad because you cant have me, but we both need to let go. and he was crying and being mean. and he basicaly said he's never going to speak to me again. blehhh. lol. im just so overrrr hurting because of him. so im just not gonna anymore. i am happy. i have BEEN happy without him, so i know im going to be okay :)
moving onnnnn. me and tara have been hanging out just the two of us all weekend because all of our friends are either on vacation or in rhode island for their frat's formal. so we have really gotten so much closer. we have been shopping and tanning and last night we went to a party and it was a lot of fun. these people put their alcohol in a garbage bag inside a garbage can and u just walked by and scooped some out with a cup. hahah how sketchy is that??! but we met some cool people and i got to pee in a bush...it was fantastic! haha. tara and i have also been talking alot about me and how im questioninggg some things. she has been so amazing about it. she doesnt judge me and shes just so understanding. i was really hesitant at first to talk to her about it, but like, shes been there for me and it just means alot.
i have so many things that i want to say to you. Just how you opening up to me made me cry. I always wondered what it would feel like for you to say those things to me and mean it like you do. you really touched me and reminded me why i love you so much. thank you.
ill write more laterrr. xoxox
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